Hag of Naedre

Of synchronicity and... saints?

2011-11-28T22:21:00.000-08:00

I had a real OMFG moment this morning when I was having a, what my husband and I like to call business meeting. We usually go over things we need to take care of business wise and touch on any projects, look over each others calendar of events to be sure we've got our ducks in a row.

Christmas is a huge deal for him and he has been wanting to work in his heritage into December celebrations (he is agnostic) create new traditions, etc. (we did this without knowing of Graveyard Dirts wonderfully similar campaign! Check it). He mostly identifies as Swedish, so he was going over some important dates of celebrations he wanted to include. What was on the 13th? Santa Lucia Day.

Now, take a wild guess at what my orris roots name is, mind you, the name she gave me. She told me her name about a month before I asked which day she'd like to be consecrated to pendulum work.

Now, I wasn't raised Catholic. I was raised non-denominational Christian, and I have no beefs with my Christian past, I think it is definitely something you have to be open to when practicing/studying hoodoo. I've never given working with Saints a second thought, just because it doesn't really flow with my normal way of, doing things.

So when I saw that her consecration day was SAINT LUCY'S DAY my jaw fucking dropped. I understand that she is honored as a light-bringer (which makes me think of my light-bringer, Hekate) and patron of the blind. I'm still trying to work out what this means exactly. Perhaps my soon to be root pendulum will allow me to see things that I am normally blind to? I don't know, I'll have to give it some deeper thought. But I do know, that I will be giving a nod to Saint Lucy on the 13th and both she and my little root, who is resting sweetly in her box, will be getting (veganized) lussekatter and lots of candles.

Talking with roots,

2011-11-25T19:23:00.000-08:00

Having buttered up an orris root I've been working with (she has her own wooden box, sleeps under my pillow, regular sprinklings with homemade Florida water, etc.), I asked her when she'd like to be consecrated to pendulum work... I wait for an answer.

A chipper, "Tuesday the 13th!"

I'm thinking, oh gods, it could be AGES before I find a Tuesday that lands on the 13th *pulls up December calendar*

HAH!

Giving thanks,

2011-11-24T11:36:00.000-08:00

While most of America will be sitting down to a traditional supper of taters and turkey, I will be doing none of that. I will be giving thanks to Her. Hekates deipnon synced up nicely with Thanksgiving this year.

At the start of November, I found myself sinking back into old habits. I was in a spiritual lull. Dragging my ass into my room to do devotionals was hard. My attention was gravitating towards unproductive activities, there was a general malaise about everything. I kept kicking myself for feeling this way. Spiritual lulls aren't supposed to happen right? Wrong. They happen. What I find myself getting really frustrated over, is not being able to find a way out - it's like a black fucking hole sometimes.

One night, I put myself in front of Her altar lit the candles and incense and unloaded. I asked Her for the guidance to find my way out, a method to deal with this reoccurring theme in my practice.

Yesterday it all fell into place, in no particular order:

1. No weed (still an issue for me).
2. Spiritual cleansing on a regular basis.
3. MEDITATE.
4. Devotions, daily.
5. Regular offerings.
6. DO IT.

I know, it's pretty basic shit that I should know already. It was a real DERP moment when it dawned on me. But when I get into those lulls, I have no idea where to pick my shit back up again. I often feel like I am trying to catch something in pitch black darkness. I needed to learn how to pick myself up properly and shake the dust off so that I may continue on my merry way.

It started to click as I was preparing the house for the deipnon and Noumenia yesterday. We've been out of weed for a little while, so my head was clear. I ritually cleaned the living shit out of the house, worked up a sweat and got a bit of a blister and all. Found some time to meditate, which has become something I seriously must keep up, my ADD brain can be painful at times and I find much relief doing it regularly. If you haven't read Jason Millers thoughts on meditation and think you cant do it, then I strongly suggest you read a few of his books! Then I spent the evening baking banana bread for Hermes (he seems to like bananas, more on that later), sprucing up his shrine and writing in my physical journal. When my "OH DERP" moment hit me, I ran to Hekate's altar and sang my thanks to Her.

I found myself feeling measurably better. I need to reinforce my practice when things are feeling lackluster. No, sparks aren't always going to fly, but you maintain that connection. Falling down is part of the process, it just all in how you pick yourself back up.

I give you praise Hekate. Queen and mistress of the crossroads. Illuminator. Key bearer of the cosmos and all that lies between.

I listened hard but could not see,

2011-11-21T19:27:00.000-08:00

Finally the day comes,

2011-11-13T10:33:00.000-08:00

I am generally a very observant person. Somehow though, my husband tends to spot what I overlook. Like that Hekate plaque in a cluttered antique shop window.

Today after grocery shopping we walked down the side of a street we never usually walk down, he exclaimed, "MUSHROOMS!" ... and indeed there was mushrooms. A HUGE patch of fly agaric - beneath well manicured beech trees in an industrial warehouse area. Who would have thought? I keep a constant eye out for the buggers and have several trees I check on a regular basis around this time of year. I've had so many dreams of finding them (an old women usually being around, encouraging me to pick them) and they always felt just within my grasp but I've never found any, until now! It's also interesting, because that is the same area I've seen ravens most frequently.

I only plucked two. They're not even for me, they're for the spirits. I have a personal bag of nicely dried Washington caps that I got from BBB. These'll have to be well hidden from a certain cat who freaks the fuck out over fly agaric. I've known him get places no cat should, or COULD get to and bust into the bag to have a snack*. Then you wake up to find your crack head cat with dilated pupils pinging off the wall, your bag of mushrooms scattered all over the house and half chewed on. Other mushrooms? He doesn't care for them, it's just these! Right now he is mewing like mad, I think he can smell them.

I am very thankful that they crossed my path - and that my husband was there to spot them!

(*Note: I do not actively encourage my cat to eat fly agaric. It happened once. The bag was kept on TOP of a 7 foot shelf with no other way for him to get to the top. He literally climbed the shelving, opened a container and ran away with the bag! (Being a crafty bastard he did it while we were sleeping) There is no stopping a cat that determined. Lesson learned, they're now in a very sealed up and cat proof drawer.)

Wacky cake,

2011-11-08T10:08:00.000-08:00

My mom used to make wacky cake all the time. She called me up a few days ago and was talking about how she had made it recently. I haven't made a cake, with frosting in AGES. It was oddly satisfying to make.

The ancestors have gotten their piece, along with copious amounts of coffee - their first offering request. I gave up coffee a while ago, so I purchased a small french press for offering purposes and to have an odd cup myself. I do miss the taste.

Quite pleased with how it turned out. I like the recipe, because it gets better a few days old and is pretty resilient. It was easy to ice and didn't crumb up too much after chilling it. I might add beets next time. A restaurant I used to work at made their devils food cake with beets, something I had never heard of before - makes it earthy and deepens the chocolate flavor. I sort of wish I had a torch on hand to gloss up the frosting for photos!

Thin times,

2011-10-31T11:40:00.000-07:00

Yes, yes, the veil is thin! I know. But what I didn't know is that I would be encountering things (often!), or spirits rather. I think that some of this has to do with the personal oath that I made last month - so many doors have opened since then.

Last night, I ran down stairs to grab something from my working, ritual, scared(?) room. The second I walked in, I could see, although not physically but with my third eye a ghastly looking creature. It was so tall, it's head was touching the ceiling, elevated by these extremely long legs. It was surprised by my presence and just watched me. I very carefully walked into the room, grabbed what I needed and carefully walked out - it followed me to the door and went no further. I was really trying to shrug it off, but seriously. I walk in the room and it's like, SHABLAOW. It scared the shit out of me at first, but it wasn't threatening, mostly curious. I went back upstairs, trying to deny what I felt and saw... but couldn't!

I am having a hard time knowing how to react to these encounters. I keep remembering that first real journey I went on and how I was being told to listen. I am rereading Cunning Folk and Familiar Spirits, because it has different meaning to me now that I have personal confirmed visionary experiences. There is a lot more to be gained from that book, now that I understand it better!

I did acquire a helping spirit during the workshop with Christina Pratt, so I am pretty sure I should be looking towards him for help with these matters. I am still working out how to work with him, I mean, I'm trying to take all of this in stride. It's just a bit unnerving when it's being thrown at you, vigorously!

I also realize... I need to lay down some home protection.

Anyhow. There is food that needs to be cooked and an ancestor altar that needs to be set up. I am doing everything by the seat of my pants this year, it really bothers me - but I have just been so damn busy between my job and my work. My plan is to get so caught up with my job that it requires only maintenance, that way I have more time and enegry for my spiritual practices.

OH! I got accepted into the Hoodoo Rootwork Correspondence Course with cat yronwode! It was an honor to have the chance to talk to her over the phone. She's awesome and funny! Really looking forward to getting my supplies and book and getting my hands nice and dirty.

Off to the kitchen I go!

Deipnon,

2011-10-27T12:50:00.000-07:00

Cup of amanita supped, cake made, dates, garlic, wine, olive oil, homemade incense gathered. Walked a mile in the dusk to the crossroads, called to Her and left my offering. Left a payment to the local spirits for letting me work on their lands. Then I walked home in the black darkness without looking back. And that night I dreamt of snakes.

For really real jouneying,

2011-10-23T09:43:00.000-07:00

My body aches, it aches. I cant decide if it was getting out of bed last night to use the bathroom that effed my back, or the amount of journeying I did yesterday. My whole left body is all out of wack.

I went to a class yesterday hosted by Christina Pratt, it was on the basics of shamanic journeying. I have been wanting a basic primer into going into the otherworld. I mostly wanted to know if I was even able to do it. I also wanted to do it under the experience of someone, experienced in doing it! It was also a response to a prayer that was answered in less than 24 hours. There was a sacrifice involved. I had to give up buying (yes, I am a gamer nerd I will admit it) SWTOR and canceled my pre-order to pay for the class. Honestly, I could have afforded both, but MMO's are something I really have to check myself on, they can consume me. As much as I don't want to admit it, I have been told to give up hardcore gaming up. So I have.

She covered the world tree, moving up and down it; a concept that I was already familiar with. Intention, how to craft questions, spirit etiquette, etc. Our goal was to find our helping spirits.

I was really nervous, and really shy. Hah! I am a pretty serious hermit, so getting out like this was a little awkward for me.

She started drumming. I already knew of which tree would be my door, and I asked it (an Alder I know of) to allow me to go to the lower world. And I sank, I swam through dirt and rubble and was plopped out into a tunnel, the very back end of a dirt tunnel. There were roots, water on the floor and it smelled like deep rich earth, I was naked and covered in muck. I had been there before! I just never went outside of the tunnel. The doorway to the "outside" was surrounded by brambles and weeds. I stepped out of it, it was twilight and the sky had a sort of green cast to it.

It would take me ages to explain all that happened. We did several journeys that day. There was a snake, a horse, an arrogant bird, another animal that I feel a lot of pressure not to talk about or even mention his name. There was also, One Eye.

Personally, when I watched Valhalla Rising I saw One Eye as very Odin-esque. I was really curious about this, because I didn't know if this was me putting him in the journey, or if it was some sort of spirit using this image and archetype I have in my head to represent something. He was quite ambivalent to my presence. He drew me a sigil in the fire ash that we were near. Like in the movie, he was mute and did not speak. No one spoke to me in the lower world, they all communicated to me via emotions and feeling. Throughout my entire visit I was being told to LISTEN.

Each time we journeyed I found getting to the otherworld easy. It almost made me a bit skeptical, because it came so naturally. But I had the distinct feeling that I was in fact, in two places at once. After we would get back I would be groggy and a bit blurry eyed. I think I may have built up a bit of a stigma around it, or my own personal ideas of what it would actually be like or what it should be like made it harder for me in the past. Or, had I been doing it this whole time and didn't even know it!? I'm still processing the whole thing.

The upperworld was nutty, but I got there. We actually paired up with other people in our group and did a journey on behalf of our partner. That was so fucking cool! My partner and I exchanged our questions and went off. He came back to tell me why I always have the ocean in my dreams, and I told him why he hasn't had the motivation to paint. We had a good laugh because while I was traveling I kept hearing this rich southern mans voice saying, "that boy got cobwebs!" So when I came back, I had to put on my southern draw and tell him, "boy you got cobwebs!" It was good fun. It was also good to talk to people about the crazy shit I experience without them thinking I'm insane.

Now, I'm off to hobble around the house and get some work done. There is a lot to process still, but I am very glad that I am doing now, and not just thinking about it.

A hormonal rambling,

2011-10-22T14:48:00.000-07:00

(wrote this a few days ago and just decided to hit publish)

I'm on my rag, and it blows right now. I have spent most of the day in a rental car running massive errands. Pounding headache. Irritable. I was also dealing with motion sickness in the car, which is a total WTF for me. I've never in my life had problems with it. Apparently I can not read and be in a moving car at the same time!

I encountered a witch in my dreams last night. She was an elderly black woman with silvery hair, it fit her like a glowing halo. She was teaching me things, for the life of me I can't remember what it was that she was showing me. I tend to dream in two sets, right after I nod off and again before I wake. It was an early part of the night dream and I woke up shortly afterward and told myself I should write it down. I didn't of course, I was asleep again before I could reach for my pen and journal. I need to be more disciplined with my dream note taking, because this is where most communication happens for me.

I got up to some witching on the full moon. There were a few projects that I needed to polished off. Consecrated some spiritual cleansing soap, a sort of Florida Water type recipe (scent wise).

I infused the oils with a variety of herbs, but the main one being hyssop, a plant I love dearly. It's a simple and humble, but one that I have strong relationship with right now.

Lots of seed for next year.

There was also homemade Florida Water, local red brick dust put to purpose (living by an abandon brick factory has its benefits), blessing oil made, mugwort cookies, offerings and other shenanigans.

Hah, do you not see a theme there? Hoodoo tends to find it's way into my practice. I've seriously been considering taking a course in Hoodoo with cat yronwode. I have the prerequisites needed, I just need to do the interview and once accepted, the book purchase. It would be a great thing to work on this winter, as I wont have too much going on. My roots are in the deep south, so it just seems right.

Done and done.

2011-10-05T13:10:00.000-07:00

My dedication took the span of three evenings. It worked out rather well for it to end on the last day of September, I didn't specifically plan it that way rather, it just happened. So, I woke up on October 1st anew.

This oath wasn't to a deity, or spirits (that comes in time). It was to myself. A promise.

I called to my spirits, my ancestors and to Hekate. I called and I called, I kept calling... then I heard the bark of an unfamiliar dog outside, my awareness heightened and the candle light shifted just so that the face, and only the main darkened face of my Hekate plaque was illuminated. Some tears issued and I moved on with the rite.

I found something I had lost just a day before the dedication process took off. It symbolizes my union - I plan to guard and keep it, as long as it chooses to stay with me. It's a constant reminder of my promise. A constant reminder that I cannot turn back.

Although random, this happened on the second day of the dedication. I didn't even realize the (personal) significance until after the rite was done.

I went out to scout a piece of land I haven't visited in a while. It's a trail that breaks off of a main trail (former railroad track) here in my neck of the woods. I remember there being a three way dirt crossroads along the smaller trail. I figured it must have been overgrown by now. I was quite surprised to find it well intact, it really pleased me to find it that way. I rolled up a cigarette and puffed it (not inhaling) as an offering. The entrance path is very easy to get to and leads to the city. The other path to my surprise, but not really considering how invasive blackberries are here was literally choked with brambles, you'd probably bleed to death trying to walk through it. The third path you got access to by hopping over a few logs and lead right up a hill and into the forest, in a manner of speaking, that was the path I chose.

Waking up,

2011-09-27T18:16:00.000-07:00

I feel so dirty right now. I've been cleaning the house in preparation for Hekate's deipnon.

Kitchen totally scrubbed. Floors cleaned and then washed with rue, basil and rosemary. Fumigated. Now I need to bake the saffron honey cake and work on a few other things. But before that, I need to clip some hyssop and then bathe. This particular spread for Her is a little bit more elaborate than usual. That's because I've been a horrible shit for the past two months and I know that I owe it. I suppose I ought to explain that, at a later date.

On the Noumenia, I make a dedication. After a long bit of thought I am fully embracing my path as a witch. As fucking silly as it sounds, I've been fighting like an indecisive child about it. I haven't parted with what I once was, and now I will be. I'll finally be stepping into this with some confidence. It's about damn time too, because I've been stalling for about two years, yes, two years.

You see, there have been attempts on my part to ignore this path. To make a long story short, that was what I was doing for the past two months. I thought to myself, "I'll just be a lay-pagan. Take the easy road." Why? Because this shit is hard fucking work and I have a tendency to be lazy. I realized though, I would go on to live the most unfulfilled life and I saw myself on my deathbed writhing in the regret of taking that easy road. I cant.

I woke up (figuratively and literally) one morning like I had been giving a shot of adrenalin, a few days before the equinox. The rite immediately unfolded in my head and then I set to work. I haven't stopped since, and this time, I don't plan to.

"You have taken your first step into a larger world." - Obi-Wan Kenobi

Ancient lyre,

2011-07-15T16:43:00.000-07:00

A rare spotting,

2011-07-14T16:11:00.000-07:00

While walking home one evening from the park, I spotted this little patch of Indian Pipe under a birch tree, in a place I like to forage for boletes. I've never seen them before. I understand that they can be very rare, so I had to take pictures. I think they were towards the end of flowering, a few had been run over by slugs.

The raspberries are in crazy productive mode. I can usually walk away with a quart a day! I'm thinking my first batch of mead will have to include some raspberries, there is just too many in my fridge and they need to be used!

Kitchen visitor,

2011-07-13T09:59:00.000-07:00

She buzzed drunkenly into a spiderweb in my kitchen window, I helped untangle her.

She is sitting quietly, even now, on the ledge of my window.

I still wonder why they seek me out. I haven't figured that out yet.

Honey bee encounters,

2011-07-05T19:40:00.000-07:00

(work of Rachel Lattimore)

I keep finding honey bees on the sidewalk, usually dazed and walking in circles. I offer them my finger for a ride to a safe place so that they don't get stepped on. They'll sit on my finger, cleaning their little antennae before buzzing off into the sky. I had the pleasure of walking with one for a couple of blocks once! They'll fly up on my kitchen window to peek in on me and occasionally fly into the house and I'll have to shoo away the cats before they try to eat them.

We have so much to thank them for.

Once I've done a bit more personal research, I'd like to dedicate a day or few days even, to honor the bee and her tireless labor.

Weeds weeds weeds,

2011-06-30T20:50:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about this for a while and Sarah got me thinking a little further about Entheogens and Self-Control. However, this is more about my recreational weed habit and not as something I use for spiritual experiences. Rather, it's about how it is hindering me from further spiritual growth.

I love pot. I've been smoking it regularly for about 10 years now, a few breaks here and there for good measure. My husband smokes it to help his appetite and stomach problems. I smoke recreationally, for pleasure, relaxation, sleep (my dream work suffers though when I smoke before bed), tunnel vision, warm blanket feeling, etc.

In the recent months and in the past though, I find myself burying a hole and staying there for weeks, months even and I don't get anything done - spiritually speaking. As much as I hate to admit it, as much as I don't even want to admit this to myself, it clogs me up anymore. Like I mentioned, my dream work will suffer horribly. I refuse to do trancework when high or even coming down, it feels counter intuitive and just plain awkward.

I keep thinking I could just set a time limit on when I smoke during the day, like smoking hours. Or consider doing it only as an occasional treat. Another part of me is nagging that I should give it up altogether, for the sake of my spiritual practice and development, because at this point I think that my habit is hindering me more than anything.

Sacrifices. They must be made. Noumenia is coming up and I think that that would be a good way to enter the next month. I'm going to do it.

I've spent most of the day cleaning like crazy. My husband surprised me when he said that I should take over the spare room of ours. We don't use it for anything other than bike storage, cat tower and TV that we never use. So, we've moved the television to the bedroom and I've been moving all of my books and sacred things into my, "lady time" room as we both call it. I'm pretty excited and happy.

Hymn to Hekate,

2011-06-29T15:00:00.000-07:00

Lovely Hekate of the roads and crossroads I invoke;
In heaven, on earth, and in the sea, saffron-cloaked,
Tomb spirit, reveling in the souls of the dead,
Daughter of Perses, haunting deserted places, delighting in deer,
Nocturnal, dog-loving, monstrous queen,
Devouring wild beasts, ungirt, of repelling countenance.
You, herder of bulls, queen and mistress of the whole world,
Leader, nymph, mountain-roaming nurturer of youth, maiden,
I beseech you to come to these holy rites,
Ever with joyous heart and ever favoring the oxherd.

- Orphic Hymn to Hekate

(ETA: A better translation provided by Forest Door)

Solstice and some stuff,

2011-06-23T21:44:00.000-07:00

I didn't have much planned for the solstice. A few days before hand, I decided it would be a good idea to leave offerings at the stream and bathe my Hekate plaque and my newly acquired statue of Artemis. So that's what I did. I read hymns and talked to the spirits of the stream and local woods. Left crystallized honey, my best pink lady apple and borage flowers. I lit up a tiny bit of tobacco as well. Daises were everywhere and so were the blazing foxgloves. It was a lovely day.

I also harvested the tallest grasses in the yard, to make a hand broom. I cut back the lemon balm and harvested tons of it. I want to use part of it in a tincture of perfumers alcohol - I am going to be experimenting in making botanical perfume for ritual use. I'm really into the idea of slow brewing alcohol based perfumes, the possibilities are endless.

The bees have been hard at work in the raspberry patch. All the flowers are now small little fruits, getting a little bit more plump everyday. It should go without saying that the first harvest is for offerings only, after that, I will be fucking drowning in raspberries!

Thank you sweet little bees, without you, we would not have such lovely and sweet things to eat.

Tomorrow I go to Eugene. The man and I are thinking about relocating there, actually, we are going to be relocating there - sometime in the future. We both rather prefer living in college towns (we met in a college town actually) they have a unique current that runs through them. We also dislike living in hipster central.

Looking back on a teenage anthem,

2011-05-30T20:50:00.000-07:00

I was not even a twinkle in my mothers eye when this song was released. I have the movie Basquiat to thank for introducing me to them. Nonetheless, I loved this song in my late teens.

Dream follow up,

2011-05-29T13:51:00.000-07:00

I was rereading my dream just yesterday and it hit me like a brick.

My parents (and bothers and sisters) are moving soon. They've been on a massive house hunt, and I've had my mother calling me frequently to talk about house this and house that. How my father wants something out of their price range, or they want this one house with 18 acres and they want the husband and I to move out there with them (gah!). The house they had been looking at and wanting had water problems and way too much land for them to manage AND was also out of their price range.

The house they were in, in the dream; was empty, like it was for sale. If they take what they can't afford (that's so very obvious) or can't maintain, they will drown under the weight of what they can't manage. It could possibly destroy them.

I gave my mom a call today and she was driving back home to the midwest from Kentucky (where they're house hunting). She's talking like a billion miles a minute and it's so hard to get off the phone with her, she was driving - I felt really uncomfortable with her being on the phone. Anyway, she said that they found a house and she was practically singing about it. On a hill, enough acreage for them to have fun with (7), established nut and fruit trees, three separate gardening areas and enough room for all the kids (I've got a large family). On top of that, two lovely little bee hives. It's affordable too. I told my mom about the dream and we both agreed that this house must be the right decision. I'm really happy for them. I told her I had best be gettin' some free honey! Ohh, and propolis!

As the darkness increases (and notes),

2011-05-27T20:04:00.000-07:00

By that I mean the dark moon.

I know many people who associate the full moon with lunacy, strange happenings and general spookiness (most of them aren't witches. I don't consider myself witch either, but, that's a post for another day!). I find that it is the dark moon that opens the doors to this lunacy and strangeness. The full and light moon to me, is just that, light, bright, allowing me to see in the darkness. It's safe.

I digress.

The dreams get wild around the dark moon, they increase with intensity, vividness. Around 4-6AM is when I'm most lucid. I flutter in and out of dreamscapes. Occasionally I'll sleep in to see how much further I can go, usually around 7am it's time to call it quits.

Last night I was by the ocean, as always. I've still really yet to figure out what it is with the ocean and I. Many times I've experienced earthquakes by the ocean and I took it as a sign of the Earth-Shaker, Poseidon. I did a tarot reading to see if it was indeed him and all I got was a, "kindly fuck off somewhere else." Maybe it's memories of my childhood. I grew up in and around the Atlantic and Gulf of Mexico.

Anyhow. My parents were with me. We were in a house right on the beach. There was a few heavy waves that brought the surge up to the house, but did not damage it at all. There wasn't a cloud in the sky, it was clear and beautiful. My husband and I went up into the hills where the town was and I could look down on the beach and house. Then, as if I was flying I was beach side and watched as two massive tsunami waves rolled into the coast line. I called to my parents to leave the house as soon as possible, I was too late. They were dead. I was half awake knowing my parents were both dead. So fucking disturbing. It took me a minute to gather my wits when I fully woke. I was covered in dread. I realized though, my parents weren't dead. They're alive, they're ok.

I haven't tried to interpret the dream, not yet anyway.

Oh, and I totally forgot to mention. It was in the middle of the night I'm pretty sure, but I saw a man or a figure of a man standing in my hallway. It was like a rough outline (I wasn't dreaming). The moment I recognized what it was it was gone. I don't have the sight (but I can sense the presence of other beings, I think anyway!). But I do see things out of the corners of my eyes, or occasional flashes of things. I don't know what to make of it just yet.

It sort of reminded me of this presence I felt in my old house, there was something very aggressive and very male living in our space. It was more taunting than anything, I never got the feeling that it would have done us harm. I felt nothing from this sighting though. Just a figure.

I finally bought a moleskine to start writing dreams/experiences/fleeting thoughts down. I'm not very good at keeping up with physical journals. I hope I keep up with this one.

On my walk yesterday I heard croaking... distant croaking. RAVENS! And indeed it was, two of them with their wedge shaped tails. They were being chased out of the neighboring woods by some naughty ol' crows. Second time I've seen them out here. Every time I hear their call I get goosebumps.

Two reasons why my neighbors hate me:

2011-05-25T09:57:00.000-07:00

I let the grass get really long. It's about thigh height and chest high in some areas. I love it though, and I know it is home to many little critters.

2.

I let the dandelions grow as much as they like, nay! I encourage them. This little guy? I found him while working the soil in an area I'm cleaning up for the herbs & poisons. His three little roots were perfect and without thinking I braided them on the spot. It'll be a perfect little talisman.

Green things,

2011-05-24T16:04:00.000-07:00

I'm so tired. I've been getting up earlier and going to bed later. My work load (like, real job) has been, to say the very least, exhausting. I cant complain though! I love the longer days, love, love, love, them.

I had HUGE plans for the garden this year, but due to the rain sticking around a lot longer than anyone had planned the veggie part of the garden fell through. Right now I've put all of my focus on the herbs and poisons that I've got going right now.

Catnip man, my kitchen sink pal.

Silvery wormwood. I love running my fingers through the foliage and huffing in the bitter-sweetness.

Mugwort baby.

Marshmallow.

This grows beneath the raspberry patch, I knew the name of it a few days ago, it's totally slipped my mind though.

Last year I believe, we had a nest of baby spiders in the house. They appeared all over the place. They're starting to come out now that it's warmed up. I've found a couple dangling around my head in the kitchen. It's quite a surprise when you turn around to see 8 tiny eyes looking back at you!

I somehow managed not to snatch a shot of my datura, who I love. The spiders also love that plant, most mornings I can find shimmering strands running from the wormwood, marshmallow and datura. The plants have been getting regular offerings and sweet talkings to facilitate friendship.

Tasted flesh,

2011-05-16T12:10:00.000-07:00

When I have dreams that frighten me, I don't normally consider them nightmares. Why? Because most of the time, I know I'm dreaming. Like the time I encountered the Black Man, or had my legs chopped off by the rudder of a great ship... I was fearful, but not so scared out of my wits that I didn't know how to respond to the situation.

I had a nightmare last night though.

I succumbed to cannibalism. It wasn't due to a dire situation, it was a choice. I had murdered a small child, processed its body and ate it. I don't remember the act of murder. I do remember processing the body, and I remember the taste of the flesh, the texture in my mouth the thought running through my head, that I didn't want this. It fucking freaked me out to taste flesh, I haven't eaten meat in over two years! I wretched in my dream. I wasn't doing this voluntarily, but I was still putting the fork to my mouth, opening, chewing, swallowing. I was disgusted with myself. Wondering how I was going to hide murder, that I would forever live in regret, in absolute horror of what I had done. Regret that I had made the wrong choice.

What does it represent?

I think it's a warning of destruction of a part of myself.

I am admittedly resisting what I think is my calling. The funny fucking thing is, I don't know exactly what my calling is. I have ideas, but I fearfully turn my eye from them. I tell myself I've made it up, it isn't real - or I'm just going fucking crazy.

I know better than this!

I recently went to a discussion group hosted and lead by a famous shamaness and the topic was turning your fears into an ally. It came in such a timely manner, there were things I really needed to hear. How can I fear what I've wanted? I'm afraid of what it could bring, if I faced it and accepted it. I would be afraid of failure.

Resistance is futile, and in the long run, as my dream told me, would be a very bad, bad decision.

Stupid saffron,

2011-05-03T17:54:00.001-07:00

I CAN'T make my saffron honey cake for Hekate's Deipnon, if I don't have any fucking saffron! My little case of the precious threads are missing. Gah. I could possibly use some saffron absolute that I have stashed away. Since this cake isn't for human consumption, that should be ok.

Watch, I'll find that damn saffron somewhere totally obvious when I'm done baking.

While you wait for the others,

2011-04-26T20:56:00.000-07:00

Perfect fucking harmony.

Notes over the past few days:

2011-04-25T21:15:00.000-07:00

I write a LOT of entries that I never publish. Not that it really matters I guess, but I tend to keep an open tab with blogger open to jot down shit throughout the week/day/etc. Seeing as how I've pretty much abandon my Tumblr, I'm dumping everything here.

(a few days ago)
In my dream last night, I was walking by an old cemetery. I wasn't in it, but walking along the thick moss covered stone wall outside of it. Inside of the cemetery were deer, tons of them. One stood out of course, tall and broad and his antlers weren't really antlers but ancient aged wood wrapping around his head like a crown or gnarled old tree branches. I can only remember thinking quite joyfully that it was old Hornie! Old Hornie! Old Hornie! I kept saying over and over again in my head.

(a day ago?)
Spirit vessel?

(today)
Now comes one of the supreme tests that most every Aries must periodically face: Will you live up to your promises? Will you follow through on your rousing start? Will you continue to stay passionately committed once the fiery infatuation stage evolves into the earthy foundation-building stage? Here's a secret to succeeding at this test: You can't just try to force yourself to "be good" and do the right thing. Nor does it work to use shame or guilt to motivate yourself. Somehow you've got to marshal pure, raw excitement for the gritty detail work to come. You've got to fall in love with the task of actually fleshing out your dreams. - Free Will Astrology

Note to self: BOOYAH. You have been served, ball in is your court.

Droppin' bombs,

2011-04-11T21:40:00.000-07:00

I left my 2 cents over at Walking the Hedge regarding Pagans and politics.

I don't really tend to dip into topics like this, and, after this post I will likely leave it at that. BUT - I couldn't just let what I needed to say sitting and festering. It leaves me a little shocked that we and I, as American Pagans, could be so generalized like that.

I could go on, but I think I'll just leave it at that.

*Californians, I don't hate you. I just don't like it when people assume that every American Pagan, or that most Americans in general find it some sort of holy land. My holy land? It's right under my feet.

Now we know,

2011-04-08T21:26:00.001-07:00

I posted this antique store find months ago. I did a little research and I think I know where it came from. Apparently this crest belongs to the HMS Hecate, which was a Royal Navy deep ocean survey vessel. "She who works from afar," indeed. Perhaps now, I understand what that dream meant: I was being torn and destroyed by the propeller of a ship at sea. I felt the pain of my legs being cut off and the thud of the huge blades slicing into me.

This plaque means so much to me, and I know that finding it was NOT a coincidence. It is a physical reminder of Her, always.

And the sun finally came out,

2011-04-08T20:41:00.000-07:00

As I rode my bike down the paved trail, (ass hurting because I haven't been on the bike in a while) I habitually glanced at the gravel shoulder as I sped by. I'm usually on the look out for either critters, or interesting plants to identify. There I found the little brown body of a song sparrow. I knew that I could NOT leave this one behind (this bird being so dear to my heart), even though I had no proper sanitary way of taking him home. He was fairly fresh feeling, limp and in wonderful condition, so I pocketed him in my vest and went home.

I gave him offerings, water, seed and incense. With the aid of Hekate, released him. I took his wings, feet and head and buried his body along with offerings in the place where I will soon be planting my poisons. His head is now macerating, the water will make all of my plants very happy indeed.

I was really worried about doing this, and doing it wrong somehow. I've never actually done that before. But I knew that if I didn't do it, I would feel waaay fucking worse than making a mistake and doing it all awkwardly. I have a tendency to balk at work such as this because I'm horribly afraid of, "UR DOIN' IT WRONG". I cant keep waiting and sitting on this shit. I'm really glad I did it, and I know that he was too.

Of cartomancy and datura,

2011-03-15T22:00:00.000-07:00

Look what I got in the mail today!

I'm in the midst of giving cartomancy a good faith effort. I haven't delved too much into any form of divination, except for the odd tea leaf reading, dream work and just everyday omens and signs. I have been working with a tarot deck (for a few years, but not seriously), but I wanted to give old fashioned playing cards a go. The NWW Guide to Cartomancy got my wheels spinning, as well as directing me to this lovely deck by Corina Dross!

My datura is growing so damn fast, its almost frightening. I know that this plant can be quite mischievous, dangerous and abusive by just being around it, so I have been extra respectful and careful while handling. The interesting thing is, it seems to almost demand attention and is luring me in with its gloriously green and fuzzy foliage. And this little guy gets my attention, as you can see. Also, that picture was taken about a week ago, and its grown a LOT more since!

Being a novice gardener, I jumped the gun thinking I would be able to grow a crap load of veggies (in many varieties) and a crap load of herbs. I don't know if my baby green thumb ass can handle that much to start, so I've decided to give the herbs and poison plants priority over the veg. As I am in a financially secure position right now, the veg would be nice, but it isn't necessary for my survival. I will be going forward with the pepper, tomatoes and eggplants. Probably lettuce and an ornamental melon called a plum granny - that was apparently used in the Victorian era to perfume under petticoats, in purses and other places. There will also be lots of bee and hummingbird flowers. Melissa officinalis is popping back up next to the raspberries, my favorite!

I'm looking forward to stang hunting once the full moon comes around, which is soon. I have hazel in mind. It grows all over and it is a tree that has always managed to capture my attention, and not to mention all the magical attributes it carries.

A storm is about to rumble through and sleep is calling to me.

Sticky hands and a lull,

2011-03-06T12:25:00.000-08:00

Dirt under my nails and sticky sweet smelling hands. I went and collected a bunch of balm of Gilead this morning. I found a massive amount of it right off the trail near the house. I caught a few strange looks from joggers and dog walkers. It was beautiful this morning though, low mist and birds dripping from the trees.

I'm thinking of making an oil with the buds, for working with Hekate and Artemis. They're so rich and pungent! Pure (real) cinnamon oil would pair super well their fragrance.

(wrote this bit a few days ago, injecting it here below)

I've paused with my trance work. I was getting close and closer with each attempt and when that wave of nausea hit me in my last session (over a month ago I think) and I could feel something I cant really describe creep up my spine it spooked me, so I'm on a break. Break might not even be the best word, more like, I'm scared of what might happen if I go further.

During the break, I have had moments of what I guess I could describe as a "thinness" - and it will hit me at any time, anywhere. I close my eyes and I feel like I'm falling. Or slipping into light trance states without even thinking about it, being taken totally by surprise.

I don't know what to do with it just now. I do know that the current thing on my mind is protective measures. I have a bunch of rowan wood that I had collected over the summer, that I would like to make beads out of and into a protective necklace.

I do want to dive deeper, but I'm glad that I'm not rushing into it.

(/end)

Starting with the moon,

2011-03-03T20:00:00.000-08:00

I fine tuned my normal calender into lunar based months just a few nights ago. As it unfolded, it just made sense to me, like a smack up side the head ("where have you been?!"). I've been looking to establish routine and a system, or schedule if you will for ages, and finally, finally something I think will work for me.

Right off the bat? A formal Hekate's Deipnon. I've done a similar sort of supper for her before. Crossroads offerings - baking of a saffron honey cake in her honor, dandelion root tea and garlic cloves left at a handy spot I found along the nature trail that runs by our house.

(saffron honey cake, it is a variation of the recipe found in Hekate: Key to the crossroads. It's a vegan cake base and then made unvegan with the lemon and honey glaze poured over it)

I'll be creating a shrine to Hestia tonight, I have a decent sized ledge that hangs right over my stove that'll be perfect. This is something that I've actually been wanting to do for a while. And a few particularly perfect shrine items fell into my lap the past few days, giving me the nudge to get it done.

I get the nagging feeling that it is high time to put the books down and get the hands dirty. Or maybe that is just cabin fever? The rains are so persistent and I feel house bound! (I really need some going-out-in-rain gear) All I want is to sit in my backyard with plant friends and bask in the sun.

Which reminds me! I have datura seedlings, opium poppy seedlings (both doing particularly well) and newly sprouted henbane seedlings. The non poisons are currently all edible solanaceae: eggplants (ping tung, little fingers) tomatoes (black cherry, silvery fir tree) and peppers (Ozark giants, Bulgarian carrot, Italian bull horn, and another hot variety - cant remember the name). They're doing pretty good, they seem content under the grow light. I'll need to transplant them soon though.

The days are noticeably longer I know, I just want the sun to touch my chilly bones. Mmm, mid-summer.

Chewing the cud,

2011-02-26T20:28:00.000-08:00

And what am I chewing on?

Hellenic polytheism. To put it simply, it speaks to my heart. This is something I've just fully realized the past few weeks or so.

I find the gods everywhere I look and everywhere I turn.

I don't think I can avoid this/them, or just shrug it off. I feel like it's something I've been looking for, for sometime.

And what do I plan to do about it?

Make some serious additions to my personal practice and rework my calendar... for starters.

I don't really have any sort of lengthy explanation of how I came to this decision, I don't even think it was my decision to begin with! Hekate very neatly placed this in front of me. I asked for direction and the torchlight illuminates. I feel oddly awkward talking about this, it's such a personal revelation.

I heard this song at such an appropriate moment last night:

Don't try to run I can keep up with you
Nothing can stop me from tryin',
you've got to Open your heart to me, baby
I'll hold the lock and you hold the key
Open your heart to me, darlin'
I'll give you love if you, you turn the key
Open your heart with the key
One is such a lonely number

Milking the non-dairy cow,

2011-02-02T12:08:00.000-08:00

Made my hazelnut milk. I could not find my blasted nut milk bag. So I just used cheese cloth and double strained it. Turned out rather nice. Kind of "green" tasting, but good nontheless.

Gunna get my bake on. Busted out my old culinary school baking book, totally forgot what a treasure trove that book is!

Its also bright and sunny here today, very windy though. Another long, cold, wet spring? Argh I hope not! Last year was bad.

Don't look into the devils eyes,

2011-02-01T15:11:00.000-08:00

It was mid afternoon and I was heading down a hill, which stretched out into a huge and very old graveyard. As dusk began to approach, weird things began to happen. Drained bodies, dulled with no real life in them were walking around. Strange creatures were wandering the land and you could hear the echo of a far away voice, his voice.

Something cataclysmic happened. The world was turned upside down, the dead were roaming the land. Humans were being hunted, for what I now think (having woken up and processed the dream) was their souls.

I found a bay mare and we rode - not anywhere in particular but in and around the graveyard, searching for a way out. I dismounted by a shack and when I turned around, the mare had died. Everything was dieing. When I enter the shack, my husband was there. We decided that the best route out, was suicide - we didn't want to die at the hands of whatever was hunting us. The shack then became connected to a huge house and creatures were attempting to get inside the room we were in. They were odd, otherworldly creatures. One got through the door and attacked me, it was a crab looking creature. I managed to kill it by squeezing it between my thighs.

Eventually we were both over run by his minions, and we were summoned into a smaller room. Soulless humans laid about, there was a complete dullness about them. He was in a far corner, and he was very obviously terrible to look at. Shadows clung to him, he had cracked black skin and even though I wasn't supposed to look into his eyes, I was able to glance at them sideways - they were clear and of no color. He was horrible, and so fucking scary. He took my husband away from me (which I was sad for in the dream, but knew he was sleeping safe beside me). For some reason, he couldn't touch me. He wasn't able to take my soul. I was burning strange wax figures and clods of something, I don't know what they were. But I was untouchable, unhaveable.

I've been very, very lucid the past few days. Always gets this way right before the new moon. During that whole dream, the cats kept howling at us in bed waking me up slightly, but I knew as soon as I drifted off again I would be able to return right where I had left off in my dreaming.

I have no idea who or what that thing was, the "boss" if you will. I thought of him as the devil. When I woke up for real, after all the dreaming. This song was very clearly ringing through my head:

Was I out of my head? Was I out of my mind?
How could I have ever been so blind?
I was waiting for an invitation
it was hard to find

It's a stupid song that I don't even remotely like. It's something you'd hear while you're shopping for groceries or something. And it was just plopped, right into my head when I woke up. I don't know what ANY of this means.

I've also been noticing points in the day (for the past week or so) that I easily go into a light trance state without trying, it just happens. It's been a bit weird. I haven't been terribly diligent with my trance work lately, because I've been a bit too busy for it. I think I'm now able to easily identify that feeling though. Maybe I need to sit down and have a session, maybe I'll be able to go further than I think I can.

Anyhow, getting a small Imbolc celebration going. Since I don't do dairy, I figured a milk made of nuts would be nice. So, I purchased some local raw hazelnuts (this is hazelnut country after all) and they've been soaking over night. They'll be pureed with some water, half a vanilla bean, pinch of salt and a little bit of agave nectar then squeezed through with my nut milk bag (if I can find it!). Yum! There will also be a saffron and honey cake for Hekate, bannocks and a whole bunch of roasted root vegetables. Since it all falls on the new moon, I'll be leaving a bunch of offerings for Hekate at the small three way crossroads as well. I owe her much, she has been such a driving force for me lately.

Jelly,

2011-01-29T10:10:00.000-08:00

I bought a shit ton of pomegranates a while ago ($10 for a big flat of them!). I ate about half of them raw and the rest were sitting the fruit bowl on the verge of turning bad. Last night I cracked each of them open, extracted the juice by hand using a cheese cloth and added some pectin, a whole vanilla bean, a bit of lemon juice and a gods awful amount of sugar. Had my jars all boiled up and made my very first batch of jelly!

Turned out fabulous. I was so scared I wouldn't get the seal on the jars, but after pulling them out of their boiling bath the lids began to snap and seal up!

Now I'm day dreaming about all the canning I'll be doing over the summer and during harvest. There will be so many blackberries, I'll probably get sick of them. I did find a very nice recipe at the library for a pumpkin jam, with vanilla, honey and rum! How good does that sound?

I think I'll be doing Imbolc in the backyard, what better place to encourage/celebrate the stirring of spring? I also need to begin preparing the raised beds! I got my ship notification for the grow lights, finally. Goodness, I cant wait for green things!

Ouch,

2011-01-25T14:20:00.000-08:00

I've had a ache in my right butt cheek, lower hip on my backside, for about a week now. I'm pretty sure it's muscular, I fucking hope so. I don't have health insurance and x-rays aren't cheap. I've been rubbing it out each night by balancing my weigh over my bum, and rocking back and forth on the floor, seems to kind of work out the knot that is there.

I am likely to be sore all over tomorrow. I had to move a pretty fucking large pile of wood, that my totally awesome landlord left just sitting in the middle of my yard. He came by unannounced about a month ago to hack away at the Alder in the backyard. Yes, parts of the tree were dead and needed to be trimmed, but, a warning would have been nice and knocking out the live and active winter squirrel nest was totally unfuckingcalled for. It made me so angry. I watched that squirrel every damn day, fixing it's nest, rising in the morning, eating the noms I left out for em. He also left two huge piles of branches just hanging out. I cant complain about them too much though, as it has been providing shelter for the birds over winter, they love hanging out in there.

Wood pile moved, and neatly stacked along the house. Ground raked and twigs moved. The drit looks good and is filled with worms. Making way for the garden! I've got grow lights on order and have the whole month of February to get my shit together. Doing two raised beds, lots of containers, and the shabby dirt hill that we have will be used for witchy herbs, poisons will be in containers on the deck. I hope to get some mandrake going! Need to figure out what I want crawling on the back fence, I really don't like seeing my neighbors. Especially when they're piss drunk and projectile vomiting with a cigarette in their hands, proceed to wipe the sick from their face and then settle back down to have their smoke. UGH.

I am probably totally over doing it for my first time gardening, going deep-end first, lets hope my ass can swim!

Trance-Portation,

2011-01-22T21:57:00.000-08:00

So, I've been working my way through Trance-portation, by Diana L. Paxson (found via Sarah). I am just now tapping into chapter three, and I can say, it's pretty freakin' awesome. It has laid out, for me and what I feel, is a great foundation for trancework and possibly crossing into the otherworld - something I've never done before. I don't think I can count dreamwalking as it isn't something I do at will, it just happens.

So far, I've established a routine I feel very good about. I've added and subtracted a few things. For example, I don't really feel that I need to center myself. I don't know, I know where I'm at and where my body is at, I know which direction I'm facing (usually west). Warding is done with burnt herbs and a charm. I settle down and stretch my hips and legs out so that they're relaxed. I really like the way she explains grounding, it just makes so much fucking sense. I drop, what I guess I could describe as an anchor into the ground. I watch it move through the concrete foundation of my house and into the muddy and probably water logged earth beneath it. I know that this will sound very cheesy, but bear with me: its like plugging yourself in. I feel plugged in. I can sense the roots of the Alder tree in my backyard, the Douglas fir in the front and the sneaking suspicion I'm being watched by that unknown spirit that lurks in my neighborhood.

Haha, writing this out and reading it myself, it all sounds ridiculous. It's a reality check and that is why I blog about it, anyway...

I try to chill my overactive mind out, and I breathe, very slowly, pausing at each inhale and each exhale. Once I feel ready to move on, I begin breathing rhythmically at a much faster but controlled pace. Back when I was going to yoga classes (I loathed the crowd, but I loved the workout) they taught us the ocean breath, where you constrict the back of your throat to create a, well, oceany sound. This gives me something to focus on. I don't know how long it takes me, but eventually I slip into what I think, is the tip of trance.

Everything is fuzzed, my body, my face and something inside of me quivers. It depends on how I'm feeling each night I do it, but tonight felt powerful. My mouth began to water, which for me is a sign that I might vomit, and then there it comes ... nausea. I get scared, which I guess is a good sign! I sit in that feeling for a little while, still breathing. Opening my eyes takes effort and when I do, I feel kind of drunk. For some reason, I held my breath, for a long time - long enough that I told myself I need oxygen to live. Vision blurs, I don't feel like breathing, but the fear grips me and I sip in air little by little. At that point I felt ready to return and almost forgot to reverse my whole procedure. Lifting the anchor, thanking the one I asked for protection, blow out the candles and done.

There is an edge I am beginning to feel to this, it's a bit scary.

I'm off to dreamland.

Bee friend,

2011-01-14T22:07:00.000-08:00

As I shut the window to the kitchen this afternoon a bee, buzzed up drunkenly and bumped into the window a few times. I always stop and watch bees, and tell them how cute they are, or ask them what they're up to, even though I've never had one speak back to me. I had to ask this bee, what the hell it was doing outside my kitchen window, in the middle of winter. It was a mild day today, but still, unseasonably weird. He buzzed off up and over the house and I thought little of it.

Now, at about 10pm I decided to march up stairs and brew myself some night time tea... and I nearly stepped on him. There, in my carpeted stairs was a bee. On the edge of death, I think I saw his little antennae twitch. His body wasn't yet crisp but it was still flexible.

I gently picked him up, placed him on a leaf shaped plate. I offered him my favorite and best honey (local peppermint, nearing the very last sweet dregs of my jar) and a burnt offering of bee oracle incense. I said a few words and wished him well as he went off.

I don't dream about bees too often. I'm trying to listen, but I don't know if I'm able to hear. I wonder what they want? This is the second bee body I've found in strange circumstances. If not a messenger, a familiar?

I need to be working, but

2011-01-08T09:47:00.000-08:00

"A man may fulfill the object of his existence by asking a question he cannot answer, and attempting a task he cannot achieve," mused 19th-century author Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr. Advice that wild could just as well have been dispensed by a feral saint living in a cave in the woods. And now I'm passing it on to you, Aries, just in time for the beginning of what may be your wildest year in a decade. In my astrological opinion, you are ready to be a connoisseur of mysteries that purify the mind and nurture the soul . . . a daredevil of the spirit in quest of seemingly impossible dreams . . . a fierce adept of the wisdom of uncertainty who's in love with unpredictable teachings.

- Free Will Astrology

I was almost eaten by the ocean last night, thankfully I was standing next to a jungle gym that was firmly planted in the ground, I held on to it for dear life. As the waters receded from the coast, it kept going and going until there was nothing left. It was like the sea took a bite out of the coast line, and I was dangling on the edge of the earth.

A strange find,

2011-01-06T17:30:00.000-08:00

While heading into the city to do errands just the other day, my husband spotted this through the window of our favorite antique store (I was busy ogling over a gourd rattle that was painted to look like a hare). He immediately said, "I'LL BUY THAT FOR YOU" all excited like. I wasn't about to say no! I'm glad he was with me, or I would have never even seen it.

Its a very strange piece. I still don't know exactly what to think of it!

Hekate has been a real driving force for me lately, in my dreams and things like finding that plaque. When my regular practice took a nose dive into almost non-existent a couple months ago, I was sure that she left me - of course it wasn't that way at all. It was me that walked away. Thankfully she has been very patient with me.

I'm currently in the process of making daily practice a habit, and it's going very well so far. I wont allow myself to check it off the goal list until I've been doing it regularly for at least a month or more. Heh, its amazing how much better I feel just getting it done, instead of thinking about doing it.

Last of 2010,

2010-12-31T11:20:00.000-08:00

Having not seen the sun early in the morning for the past few weeks, this was a nice treat.

Hogmanay foods:

Hoppin' John (vegan style)
Collard greens
Cornbread
and Atholl Brose!

On expectations, being honest with myself and the New Year

2010-12-29T21:24:00.000-08:00

I never intended to update this blog on a regular basis, or have any sort of routine with it. Its something I'm feeling out over time. Something I'm trying to get comfortable with - moreover something I want to be comfortable with.

There, I said it. (That was a note to myself, not to those who may be reading this!)

I really kinda effed my end of the year observances. I didn't do anything during the month of December (except for Christmas, which is a very serious holiday for my husband - the holiday that he connects with his recently passed grandparents in the biggest of ways.) I will however be doing Hogmanay, preparations have already begun.

I'm still a baby at this, ya know? Its only been two and a half years since I watched that documentary on witchcraft, had flash backs of my attempt at tree worship when I was 16 - discovered by my extremely Christian parents - firmly scolded. Flashback over and realizing, "fuck, I'm 22 now! I live 2000+ miles away from them! I can be what I want!"

I do wish I had been a bit more dedicated during this past year, but I'm not going to waste my time with lamenting what I didn't do. Instead, with this strange vigor I picked up right after Christmas I will be gearing myself up for the New Year and setting goals for things I want to accomplish (Thank you Sarah for inspiration!)

Pertaining to all aspects of my life and in no particular order:

Sew clothing for myself
Get my very serious garden plans off the ground or rather, in the ground, heh. (weather permitting)
Learn to make homemade tempeh and tofu
Actually DO daily devotionals
Observe all personal High Days (aka: don't be a lazy bastard)
Make progress with trance work
Join local Mycological Society
Enroll in community college for a few classes to get feet wet to explore the possibility of majoring in history
Provided garden goes well, raw food diet for 2 months during summer (or as long as I can stand it, heh)
Talk to my grandmothers more often, write to them
Work more beneficial magic for my family
Comfortably and casually wear bold rusty-red lipstick
Make mead!
Obtain a divers license (tricky one, being I don't own a car)
Hike regularly in the deep forests east of me
Learn how to prioritize and manage my time better

That should do it. I may add or subtract from that list. I may have already mastered the wearing of bold lipstick causally.

Gotta fetch whiskey and start the non-existent menu for Hogmanay tomorrow! And, there is the cleaning. Greatly looking forward to making a huge racket when the clock strikes 12.

Frost Moon,

2010-11-26T09:05:00.000-08:00

The night of the last full moon had completely clear skies. Living in the Pacific Northwest, this is a very lucky thing indeed. Naturally I set a few items out on the deck to bask in the rare late fall moon light.

And I woke up to frost! Everywhere.

A day later we had snow, which is very odd for this time of year. The sun came out and brightened everything up with a mild glacial blue tone, which was wonderful because sometimes the dense dreariness out here really gets to me. I actually didn't really believe in seasonal affective disorder, until I moved here. Its not like, bad depression or anything, but a type of lethargy I cannot kick. All I wanna do is sleep, eat sweets, take hot baths and sit on my plump ass (<-- winter fat!). I do get a bit of storm cloud over my head too. Like, a feeling of impending doom, its something that really frustrates me because currently I have nothing that should be making me feel doomish! Life is pretty good right now and I know I don't really have anything to feel down about. So, I had the house all to myself a few days ago. I had a two week old headache, I found myself HIGHLY distracted from work, chills, the creeping doom ... the desire to sleep 14 hours a day, stagnation it was building to a bursting point and I was almost manic.

And then it hit me: Blue candle. Road opener. Clearing. Offering of that perfect mini banana bread loaf I had sitting on the counter. Do it. Now.

After I had finished, I cleaned up my business, straightened up the kitchen and minor bits of house work. The husband came home and I settled down for a nap. When I woke up - all of it was gone. The stagnation, the two week old headache, the doom, gone!

I still get all, "holy fucking shit!" over work like that. Simple, fast and highly effective.

Aries Horoscope - Nov. 25th

2010-11-25T20:52:00.000-08:00

Should you rely on hard facts or soft feelings? Would it be advisable to trust your tried-and-true medicine or else a potion brewed from the tongue of a snake, the feather of a crow, and a mandrake root? Can you get better results by mingling with staunch allies or with rebel upstarts who have a knack for shaking things up? Only you can decide on these matters, Aries. My opinion? You’ll probably generate more interesting developments by going with the feelings, the mandrake root, and the upstarts

- Free Will Astrology

One of those, omfg moments.

Does anyone remember this book?

2010-11-18T20:46:00.000-08:00

This was my bible when I was abut 12-13 years old. I took it very seriously. At the time, I was living smack dab between the Atlantic ocean and the Smoky mountains. I had a highly detailed map of the whole state. I planned a route to make it into the mountains and live with the land, just like Sam did. There weren’t dreams of having a falcon, like Frightful, but dreams of being friends with the animals, plants, the mountains. When my mother found out about my plans to run off, she took that old tattered book away from me. I don’t know if she still has it or not.

When I think about it now, of course I was fucking stupid! I mean, a 13 year old girl WALKING 200+ miles to the middle of nowhere? Not safe in the slightest!

Even though I didn't know it at the time, this book definitely set me on a path.

I still dream about it. Perhaps not at that level exactly, but complete self-sufficiency. Making, growing, wild-harvesting my own foods. Log burning stove. My own soap. Spinning my own fibers ... and other things. Making that my life.

Bottomless cups,

2010-11-01T14:39:00.000-07:00

Last nights dream involved me sitting in a room with what felt like, other witches. We were all there for one thing: To be given the magical drink by the old woman (who was sort of, “leading” us). There were only a few of these cups of drink. They resembled Japanese tea cups. The drink was greenish and had clumps, it looked as if the drink had been mostly drunk, but when I went to put it to my lips the liquid kept coming, it was bottomless and filled itself. The temptation to drink as much as possible was there, but you knew that if you drank too much, there would be consequences. I guess it was supposed to give you second sight.

A person I knew as an old friend was there and grabbed my arm and told me we were off to look at faeries. I saw things flitting around, they looked like little insects.

Then all of that was gone away and I was waiting on a bus - with a figurine in my hand that was very obviously, a shaman.

Then I woke up.

Standing in my kitchen,

2010-10-31T17:23:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about this little space hard for what feels like, and probably is... weeks, months even! I have posts that have been floating around in my brain for a while, I'll be getting to them soon I hope. Lots of pictorial evidence though, proof that I have been up to things.

Potatoes are boiling away and the ancestors will be dining with us tonight! Hopefully they wont mind the vegan nosh. Cornbread needs to made and must get the stroganoff started.

First time trying my hand at vegan "cheesecake". We'll see.

Must get back to preparations, cooking and getting the Lambs Wool on!

Recently,

2010-09-12T21:10:00.000-07:00

I haven't been updating because I've entered a bit of a nether-void. Emotionally, I've been on edge, stressed, negative and just plain bitchy. I've been doing my best to pinpoint where this is coming from, what I am doing wrong or if something is doing this to me. As much as anyone would like to blame their problems on something else, I cant do that right now. Its me. Getting to the root of things.

I'm still mulling over the tarot spread I did on the dark moon, I did it during communion with Hekate. It was harsh. It wasn't what I wanted to hear. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells around Her right now. Cant expect fucking sunshine and teacakes 24/7 can we? I have a lot of work ahead of me, spiritually. I mean, when don't we! But its the tough stuff, that is tough, but so worth it - I know. Feeling a lot of self-doubt right now. Feeling a lot of, "I wanna do everything now!" and total lack of patience.

On a less crybaby note,

I've taken a sudden dive into working hoodoo into my practice. I wasn't quite comfortable with it at first, but, I seem to keep going back to it for spells and workings. It isn't much of a surprise really. I may be a transplant, but me, my family and heritage is Southern as they come (Srsly like, really backwater in the swamp rednecks). I've been cooking up oils, herbs are piling up, jars getting filled. I love it.

Giving candle making a go. This is soy wax. Everything was going just fine and then about 15 after I took this photo it, a leak spot formed near the flame and a waterfall of molten wax basically pored out rendering the candle more-less useless. Meh. The votives are working out well, but I think I'm going to try another wick with this size of candle mold. I'll be making beeswax dip candles too I think. I had forgotten what pure raw beeswax smelled like. Made me so nostalgic.

I found this little guy in an offering bowl I had set out to get some sun. I took it as a gift and he is now sitting on my altar. Also, new skeleton keys.

I'm off to plunder the herb seed catalogs of the internet and plot my future garden of herb and veg!

The last of summer berries,

2010-09-02T21:17:00.000-07:00

When we first looked at the house we're in now (just renting) the raspberry bushes were heavy with fruit, it made me so excited. We weren't able to move in in time to reap the full berry harvest, but we're lucky enough to enjoy these last few fruits of the summer. Its nice being able to pop out into the yard for a little snack.

And on a completely unrelated note, posted this on the tumblr earlier this afternoon:

Looking forward to the new moon. I plan on making incense and an oil for Hekate. I haven’t felt much of her lately, she is subtle. Her name has a habit of popping up all over the internet when I’m not even looking for her. A few months ago though, I was being visited by snakes and dogs very frequently in my dreams and was bitten while dreaming (it was a kind of friendly bite, if that makes any sort of sense). When I began researching the messages I was being sent I was almost shocked that it was in fact, her. I had been looking towards my own ancestry (run of the mill, Scots-Irish, Germanic) and expected to find my gods there, but no. Now that I know she has chosen to work with me, she seems to have backed off, but illuminates on things that she would like from me or what I should do. My relationship with her is a few months old, and only now am I building an altar in her name and working on regular worship. I’m looking very forward to building a stronger relationship with her. In a way, this is sort of solidifying that I do in fact have a relationship with her. Like a personal affirmation that I’ve never made.

Fuck yeah for figuring shit out!

New friends and flower heads,

2010-09-01T21:53:00.000-07:00

I finally got out today. Hubby told me I needed to get out of the house (I really did. I've been a total pill lately, poor guy, heh.) and do my thing, so I did.

Checked up on one of the first spots I went to when we moved out here. The trail into the woods hasn't been walked on in a long while (I hope it stays that way!) everything was quiet and had been freshly rained on. The air was thick and smelled of sun cured blackberries, faint pine, loam and green - I want to bottle it! I saw a red flash in the distance and immediately knew what I was looking at, a rowan! In the woods! Not in someones yard! Or a park! But the woods! The find was only too perfect. I was a bit afraid that I wouldn't be able to get to the tree due to the insanity that is Oregon brambles, but I made it. To top it off, there was a bit of a clearing around the base of the tree, I'm really hoping this trail area and/or the base of the rowan can be a place that I work at, if they're willing to have me that is. The rowan looks a bit sickly, only had two berry bunches (was a fairly decent size too). I'm hoping to either find or create a blessing charm, and lavish her/him (I don't know yet!) with regular checkups and my attention.

I set out for what I was really after, yarrow flowers. There is a near by "protected by voters" nature area. Consists of an abandon bum camp and quite a large meadow and the creek runs along it. Yarrow was everywhere. Collected about a dozen or so heads. It'll be accompanying my dandelion root tea.

Left a peppermint honey offering at the nearby crossroads and made my way home. Spotted this little fellow though, singing quite a loud song for his tiny size! He was nice enough to let me get close and take his pictures before he took off.

I should not be doing this right now, very random:

2010-08-27T17:14:00.000-07:00

I really need to be working, not blogging. The urge is taking me over.

Many of my quick posts have been on tumblr. Its more less a good quick dumping ground for dreams, and quick photos.

I've been busy as shit and worn, but good.

I was in a bit of an empty space for a little while. I wasn't feeling anything good. Drained, tired, headachy (for a week or two) and then I realized just about 20 minutes ago why I had been feeling that way: I made an offering to my surrounding forest recently (just moved out here, beginning to make acquaintances). It was well received I believe, cautious acceptance I think. A few days after the offering, I had been out to collect blackberries and yarrow I found, arranged almost too perfectly in a tunnel of grass right by my feet, a dead hare. Probably a few days dead. It was a gift and I didn't take it. I offended. I KNEW it. I knew it the moment I walked away from the little thing. I feel like a prick. Never again. Lesson learned.

I have lots of projects planned out. It is a matter of waiting for the right moon phase! I've been keeping TeuxDeux open in my browser at all times to keep notes on when I'd like to get projects done or started. I need organization, or I'll just forget everything, heh. Stoner memory here.

Dandelion root harvesting is the nearest project that I've got going on. Going to try it as part of a dream tea. Lots of the little buggers growing in the yard of course. I'll be weeding (they're in the future garden area) and making something useful at the same time, two birds, one stone!

Adorable little egg eh? It was a dud left in a nest that I happened to find sitting low in the raspberry bush. I had never noticed it before, the nest kind of seemed to come from nowhere, literally. I wasn't quite sure the nest was abandon, because I would often see a female bird hopping around in that general area. I left it for a few weeks and kept an eye on it, no mother bird. She would have been out there giving me a firm lecture if I had gotten close at all, and I never happened to see her. The egg was hollow, a small opening on the bottom, I assume from insects.

Also! I had a GREAT mail day a little while ago:

Goodies from Forest Grove and books I probably shouldn't have ordered because I have stacks I need to read my way though. Cunning Folk and Familiar Spirits has jumped to the top of my list though!

Quicky,

2010-08-10T08:56:00.000-07:00

I have loads of work to get done, and all I want to do is go back.

I'm going to need a sturdy pair of boots before I go out across the creek.

Shy,

2010-08-08T21:44:00.000-07:00

Earlier today:
I feel somewhat nervous going into the woods around here. Like I'll be unwelcome. Or that the unseen inhabitants will turn me away, or I'll unknowingly disrespect them. I'll take an offering, let them be aware of my intentions.

And then later, when I finally went out:
Tweeker camps. Figures. They weren't too bad, but it does make you feel a little uncomfortable being a lone young woman in the woods. Beer cans, toilet paper from where they wiped their ass, cans of chicken broth, fern bedding, extinguished camp fire, and the tree carving. Eventually I will head out there with a trash bag and clean it up. Still feeling my way around.

I left an offering next to the creek while I sat under a large red cedar. It was oatmeal and an apple, cut in half to reveal the small star on the inside, and the last bit of some of my favorite incense all together within the little circle of neatly arranged creek stones.

I tried to relax and listened to the little creek babble and waited, to see if I could receive any indication of acceptance or even a simple, "OK". It was questionable. Which I totally understand, I mean its like sitting in someones living room you've never even met before. Awkward silence. They (the land spirits, etc.) distrust humans, I think it goes without saying: I cannot blame them in the slightest. This felt confirmed by finding a wounded snake right beneath my bike when I had laid it in the grass to forage for berries. (NOTE: I had seriously thought I had hurt him, which wasn't the case thank fucking goodness. Upon closer inspection, it looked like a bird attack. One of his eyes were missing and there was multiple wounds on his body, poor poor little baby.) Later, I found a dead hare neatly arranged in a tall grass tunnel. I did want to collected the body and care for it properly, but I just simply don't have the means to begin doing so currently.

Blackberry picking commenced. I plan on bottling some up for Blackberry + cinnamon vodka (inspiration/idea via: Graveyard Dirt). Couple of wild raspberry bushes, but the berries were very small, I'll be harvesting my own next year anyway.

HAZELNUT TREES. I didn't even fucking know! Very, very special little trees! I know whats going on my ancestor altar this fall. Oh yes. Witchcraft Medicine has an excellent chunk on the magical uses of Hazelnut, very worth reading and I'm gunna have to re-read it now.

Finally got to use these little pans, I forgot the name of them. Personal cobblers. Topped them with vegan vanilla coffee creamer (we didn't have any ice cream).

Goodnight.

Well?

2010-08-02T21:04:00.000-07:00

Woke at 4:30 am today. I am liking this early thing, maybe it’ll stick.

Left early to hit the very long bike trail near the house before we signed the lease. The trail heads south, out towards the country. I google mapped the shit out of the area and I guess the trail eventually goes to gravel, through a small town and ends inside of a state park. Yes.

I found several small entrances into the woods from the path as we rode further south. Thank the gods, because the trail area near the house has no entrance ways into the woods, either that or its private land … Or masses of bramble thickets prevent you from even thinking about giving it a go.

THE brambles, jesus H christ they’re fucking everywhere and laden with berries like you wouldn’t believe. Spotted a trio of rowan trees in a small flowering field, that I’m pretty sure belongs to someone. Sneaky trespassing? Maybe.

Gah. So much exploring and learning ahead of me. Couldn’t be happier right now.

My new life starts tomorrow. I'm going develop relationship with a land I know hardly nothing about, hopefully that is, if it is ok to have my company.

Argh,

2010-07-29T21:16:00.000-07:00

Juggling work with this move is proving to be tougher than I thought. Starting now and up until the end of the year, everything will be mostly blurry.

Walked out and around the trail that leads towards the forest patch when we were out signing the lease. Most of it was private land with no trespassing signs fucking everywhere. Go figure. I know there will totally be a way around it. I know there is a patch with my name all over it. Blackberries are everywhere out there too. There will be no shortage of blackberry everything come late summer.

Also, yesterday it dawned on me: ancestors. DERP. This was affirmed by a flood of weird happy that filled me when I was in war mode over something stupid. It was strange, because I was like, O RLY? Could it be? And then it was a huge bucket of yes poured over my head.

not fucking around,

2010-07-25T21:20:00.000-07:00

Herbs seed currently on order:

Henbane

Woad (SO EXCITED about this one)

Poppy (opium)

Indigo

Elderberry

Mugwort

Datura

Tobacco, wild

Wormwood

Much more to be ordered soon.

I didn’t realize this until after looking hard at google maps for a long time. I’m next to a creek, that is next to a large forest patch, that is next to a cemetery.

Its pretty obvious that I owe someone, something - big fucking time.

Mugwort, tell me more

2010-07-24T21:24:00.000-07:00

Faceless male presence. Protective and almost sexual in nature.

In a coastal town. Thick storm, watched it roll in and consume. Lots of lightning. Group of people ran from me, went to seek my own safety. Took shelter with two dogs living under a house, who were happy to have my company. Watched the storm continue to move in, it was extremely violent. The dogs sat with me and we stayed safe.

M dreams usually contain the following things: Sea, ocean, underwater, storm, tornado, lightning (was almost struck 3 different times as a child. In real life. Not in my dreams.), dogs/canines in pairs of two, snakes (its been a while), one very interesting cow, black horses.

The offering,

2010-05-11T16:49:00.000-07:00

Hit the local herb shop (which boasts over 700 types of plant material!) today to collect incense supplies. I would have wild-crafted what I could find, but city living tends to send you to store bought instead.

I really wanted to add some storax to the blend, but this was a spur of the moment idea. I wouldn't have the storax till next week some time and I'd like to have this made during the dark moon.

I was considering (shed of course) snake skin as an ingredient, but I somewhat hesitated because A. I knew I had to ask someone for it. B. I didn't want them asking WHY I wanted it and C. weird? Whatever. I walked into the reptile store and was mesmerized by a great wall of tiny baby corn snakes: opals, lavenders, butters, bloodreds, fire, charcoals. They're one of the MOST colorful species of snake and the most docile (I once had a miami corn (R.I.P. Bartholomew) that disappeared while I was on a mad trip to Chicago once). Getting back on track now, there was a perfectly intact skin next to a little bloodred. The lady behind the counter wasn't at all threatening so I wasn't too shy to ask and she was happy to give it to me - no questions asked.

Shit yes, there will be snake skin in my incense! Something gives me the feeling it will add an extra kick of awesomeness.

Questionable vegan behavior by some I suppose, but look at it this way: little brothers skin isn’t going in the trash, it is being honored. As far as I'm concerned, if it fell off, died naturally, I found it, etc. I will USE it in my practice as it sees fit.

On Bealltainn and cakes,

2010-05-01T12:29:00.000-07:00

Veganized this Beltane cake recipe I found here. Made it just last night, smells amazing. Gingery, spiced sugary noms. Has a chewy texture and is fairly dense. The oatmeal is awesome in it, adds great texture. I recommend using the old fashion oats.

The original recipe called for something like, 14 oz of brown sugar on 7 oz flour and 3 oz of oatmeal! That very thought makes my teeth hurt, I cut the sugar by HALF and yes still sweet as hell. Egg replacer, it was my first time using it actually. I usually sub in a well ripe banana or apple sauce with a pinch xanthan gum. I didn't follow the instructions and used the replacer dry, came out fine.

I added the oats to the soy milk and oil, but mixed all other dry ingredients with each other, including the brown sugar. The 1/4 cup apple sauce I used at the end because the batter was insanely thick after adding in the oaty mixture.

12 oz - Soy milk
3.5 oz - Old fashion style oats - any oat of your choice really
7 oz - Wholewheat flour
3 oz - Vegetable oil (Healthier: 4oz apple sauce)
8 oz - Brown Sugar
1/4 cup - Apple sauce (if you're using the oil!)
1 TSP - Baking soda
1/4 TSP - Baking powder
1/2 TPS - Salt
1 TSP - Cinnamon or Pumpkin spice
1 TSP - Ginger powder
2 1/2 TSP - Egg replacer (or one large ripe banana and a big pinch xanthan gum)

If you decide to use xanthan gum, be sure to add it to the dry mixture.

These are the site instructions:

Method:

In a saucepan, heat the milk with the oats, butter and sea salt. Cook until thickened then leave to stand until it reaches room temperature.

Mix in the brown sugar, eggs and vanilla.

Add the flour, baking soda and spices and mix well.

Grease a 9 inch x 13 inch baking tray and pour in the mixture.

Bake in the centre of the oven pre-heated to 180ºC/350ºF/Gas mark 4 for 30 mins.

After cooling to room temperature the cake should be covered tightly until ready to serve.

When ready to serve the top of the cake can be dusted with icing sugar then cut into squares.

I won't be doing any formal ritual really, I'll be leaving an offering at my mountain and possibly spending time with the grove of large Hawthorn trees I found the other day. While I was out there a small elderly man was plucking the flowers from the Hawthorn's and couldn't help but think, HOLY SHIT is he using those for MAGICS?! I mean, why would an older man be picking Hawthorn flowers on the night of the full moon? Sounds witchy to me. The man smiled at me as I walked by (probably gaping at him) and stupidly, I didn't ask him why he was picking them (self, next time, don't be a pussy). Later I found out that a tincture of Hawthorn flowers and leaves are a great heart tonic and help with vascular disorders apparently. Perhaps that was why he was picking them? Fuck if I know.

DAMNIT I WANT SOME CAKE.

PS: I figured one of those, "Oh hai, iz my new blog" crap would have been lame, because I am horrid at first posts.